You deserve your loved ones' presence. Not every other day. Not just three days a week. Not randomly. Consistently.
One of the biggest traps for victims of emotional or psychological abuse is the tendency to gaslight themselves (following months, even years, of gaslighting from the abuser), and to normalise things that are not normal at all. The two are closely intertwined: one quietly makes room for the other, until it becomes nearly impossible to experience just one without sliding into the next.
Take inconsistency, for instance. The abuser uses kind words and warm gestures one day, only to erupt with rage and contempt toward you—at something you said, did, or even thought—the day after. This cycle happens once, twice, three times or more. At first, you don't notice it (or, rather, you force yourself to look the other way). But when the discomfort becomes too evident to be ignored, you decide to do what you have learned is the right thing when something in the relationship needs to be addressed: you resolve to communicate (that nice word that, when you are in a narcissistic relationship, takes on an entirely different flavor!). You confront the person. You say, "Hey, I don't like it when you treat me like this. Can you please stop?"
This is a scenario that every victim has found themselves in, using these or similar words. The abuser's reactions are generally drawn from a limited deck. Among these is what I call the "inconsistency trap." They might say something like: "What are you talking about? I also tell you nice things. For instance, three days ago I told you that I liked what you cooked (or the dress you wore… or… fill in the blank). Isn't it possible that you are only focusing on the negative and completely disregarding the positive?"
Bingo. Gaslighting at its finest. Your discomfort at being insulted or dismissed is treated as if it were completely baseless. Today's insult is meant to be neutralized by that little pat on the shoulder they so kindly gave you four days ago. You don't reply. After all, it is true that they said something nice four days ago, so they might be right that you are only focusing on the negative.
But notice what this reasoning actually asks you to accept: that kindness and cruelty belong on the same ledger, and that enough entries on one side can simply cancel out the other. Even if the count ran the opposite way—three kind gestures for every harsh one—the harsh one still wouldn't become acceptable. Respect was never a quota you earn credit toward by being occasionally pleasant. It cannot be bought back a few days later with a compliment about dinner.(This is also a telling example of how seemingly rational explanations are used by the abuser to invalidate feelings. It is the ultimate power dynamic: dismissing feelings in favor of a distorted form of "rationality".)
But no, let me tell you: You are right to want respect from someone who claims to love you. And you are right to want it consistently. In fact, you SHOULD claim it without a shadow of a doubt. And if, by reading these words, your mind says, "Yes, but… poor them, some days they are tired," it means they have succeeded in convincing you—at your deepest core—that this behavior is justifiable. That this behavior is even normal.
It is not. And since they have programmed your unconscious this way, you might very well decide that it is time to reprogram it in a different direction—one that is more aligned with your true well-being.
Affirmation is one of the most effective ways to reprogram your unconscious and reclaim your power. I suggest you start by reading this attentively, imprinting every word, one by one, slowly in your mind. Let them sink in.
"I deserve a love that is steadfast and that offers me the same level of consistency that I give out."
Is there anywhere in your body or mind that rejects this thought? If so, it may be the sign that your unconscious has been programmed differently.
Do not give up. Your unconscious can be reprogrammed, just as it was once programmed by others. Have patience with yourself; repeat the affirmation mentally multiple times throughout the day. Feel it in your body; feel it in your bones.
And if you want to use rationality (this time, a fair one), think of this: Yes, some days they could just be tired. But honestly, do YOU insult your loved ones just because you're tired?
You matter.
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